Listen up, Colonel Korn is an investing agenda specialist for the Homeland Security Department. I'm here to tell you how the Patriot Act is working to catch homegrown domestic antagonists who are not politically cohesive with our agenda. These individuals may look like me and you, but their goal is to steal our freedom and hijack our democracy. So, what are we doing about it? Well, thank you, Senator. Yes, I would like to make a $25 pledge to the marijuana farm for medical marijuana, please. Thank you. We have a powerful surveillance apparatus combined with super spy satellites that can monitor every electronic transaction of the American people. From border crossings to library check-outs to video store rentals, we have an eye on potential terrorists. We even know when they watch extremist propaganda videos or attend worshipping sessions at radical churches. These terrorists may be hiding in plain sight, but we are keeping a close watch on them. Hey, how is homeschooling going? That's a beautiful picture you have there. Hi, honey. Oh, terrorists. Old school is for non-conforming socialist free-thinking rebels. We, on the other hand, are super Samantha Americans who don't have any rights. Oh wow, it looks like you've made several phone calls to known subversive organizations. Plus, that bet alone could get you a life sentence. And if you dare make a normal phone call to your senator or congressperson, Americanism can do without your new-age whistle. It seems you've also made a phone call to donate to a certain "marijuana thong" for medical marijuana. We're onto you. That's all private, you say? Not anymore. The United Scumbag of Psalm 11w has declared you a disgrace. How did it come to this? In the year 2000, I used to read the Quran, and now I want to blow...